Daily Press News Articles

By: Beverly Sidlo-Tolliver

Sexual Assault Intervention Coordinator

Dating violence is the abuse of one partner in a dating relationship by the other partner. Dating violence includes all efforts to control a partner with emotional, physical and/ or sexual abuse. According to the Bureau of Justice, dating violence affects one in five of female high school students. Teen dating violence has several unique twists because of the age and personal developmental stage of the partners involved. The challenges within teen dating violence need special consideration when approaching a teen about an abusive relationship.

Intimate relationships among teens often last for a shorter amount of time but are still significantly impact a teen’s life. Regardless of the length of a dating relationship, abuse can still leave lasting effects. Dating abuse damages the victim’s self esteem and ability to feel they have control over their life. Also, at a young age, even a short term relationships with an abuser set a base line for what is expected in future partners. Without appropriate guidance from an adult figure, teen victims of dating abuse may never realize what they are experiencing is not a healthy relationship.

In teen dating relationships, the partners often go to the same school, have the same social group and hang out at the same places. Having such ready access to each other is an added challenge teens face while in an abusive relationship or trying to leave one. Teen victims of dating abuse may feel that they can never escape the abuser because of such close social connections. School is one of the most common places for abusers and victims to have contact but it is also one of the best places for adult intervention.

Most abusive relationships between teenagers end after an intervention by peers. Friends or siblings may threaten or actually physically harm the abuser as a way to protect the victim. Though this may provide some immediate protection, the overall pattern of behavior of the abuser is not challenged and the victim still needs appropriate support to recover from the abuse in healthy ways.

Many teens avoid seeking help from their parents or other adults. Some of reasons teens resist telling adults about any abuse from a dating relationship because they may fear losing newly-gained independence, additional scrutiny of any other current or future relationships, not being trusted to make future decisions or inappropriate reactions from the adults. Parents and other adults close to a teen in their life may feel personally hurt if a teen does not immediately go to them with a serious problem such as dating violence. The first priority for anyone helping a teen dealing with dating violence is providing appropriate support and safety for the victim. Please remember that dating violence is a deeply personal issue that can seriously damage a victim and the people a victim approaches for help has a large influence on he or she’s healing.

Tips for parents and other adults when approaching a teen about dating violence

-Be calm. Hearing the news your teen is a victim of dating abuse will stir a lot of emotions. Remember, your teen’s needs are first priority. Additional support and resources are available to give you and your teen tools to deal with the situation in a healthy way.

-Do not blame your teen for the abuse or choosing to stay in the relationship.

-Be patient if your teen seems hesitant to tell you everything at first.

-Focus on your teen’s needs for safety and support. Do not shift focus to judging the abuser.

-Contact your teen’s school of the situation and discuss any steps the school can take for added safety.

-It is never too late to teach your teen about building self esteem and self respect.

-Just getting the abuser away from your teen may not be enough. Additional counseling and education will increase the chance your teen will recognize signs of abuse in future relationships and feel confident being in a healthy relationship.

-Some subtle changes in your teen may be symptoms of dating abuse. Do not be afraid to inquire about your teen’s relationships if you notice your teen avoiding friends, having difficulty making decisions, lack of interest in activities, drop in grades or receiving constant texts, calls or emails from their partner.

Please contact the New Day Shelter if you have any questions about teen dating violence or more tips for approaching your teen on the subject at 715-682-9566.

25 Years of Helping

New Day Shelter gives domestic violence victims a new chance at a full, happy life

Loud noises, nightmares and strange men still scare Ms. E, an Ashland resident in her late 30s who has survived multiple beatings and rapes.

But since she first sought help from the New Day Shelter in 2005, Ms. E has progressed to a point of self-possession she never thought was possible. The domestic violence shelter’s housing, therapy and support services have played a large role in her remaining sober for the last year and living independently today, she said.

“They have helped me know that I don’t have to be a victim anymore. I deserve respect and happiness,” she said. “It doesn’t matter what I did in the past; no man, or nobody, has any right to put their hands on me.”

In its 25^th year of empowering domestic violence survivors, the nonprofit shelter will hold its annual benefit dinner on Sat., April 26 at the Bad River Lodge and Convention Center. Earlier this year, two survivors with close connections to the shelter—Ms. E and Cheyenne, neither of whom used their real names— talked with The Press about the impact the New Day Shelter staff has had on their lives.

The roles of the shelter’s 15 staff members are fluid, explained Beverly Sidlo-Tolliver, New Day’s sexual assault intervention coordinator. Sidlo-Tolliver provides services to victims of sexual violence, whether they’re men, women, children, or teenagers. She helps them procure shelter, counseling and legal assistance, and in general, she works as a consistent advocate on their behalf.

“The biggest part of that is we always believe the victim, no matter what,” she said. “We’re there from the beginning to the end. As soon as you step into this door, we’ll provide you with services, until you don’t want them anymore.”

A large part of Sidlo-Tolliver’s job involves community outreach and prevention. So she often visits schools to talk about domestic violence and sexual assault. But at New Day, the clients’ needs always come first, she said.

“If a crisis call were to come in, mostly everything else— unless it’s another client issue— needs to be set aside,” she said.

For 11 years, Midge Montano has worked for New Day, most recently as the program director and Native American counselor.

“The Ashland-area shelter, which is equipped with a business office and cozy residential space, provides free intensive case management for its clients,” Montano said. Depending on the client’s needs, that help could include temporary housing, transportation aid, court advocacy or assistance finding food, clothing and a permanent home. The shelter’s crisis line, 682-9565 or 1-800-924-4132, is open for anyone to call at any time.

Cheyenne’s relationship with the New Day Shelter started over a decade ago, but her experience living in an abusive situation dates back to her childhood, when she lived with her father.

Now in her mid-30’s, Cheyenne met her ex-husband when she was 17 years old and living in a nearby county.

“I always told myself that I never wanted to be with anyone who was anything like my dad,” she said. “Growing up with abuse, I thought I’d be able to see it right away.”

And, for the first part of her marriage, their relationship seemed idyllic, she said. But soon, signs of her husband’s jealous and controlling nature started to creep into their home.

“At that time, I thought it was really neat,” she said. “I thought, ‘He must really love me, if he doesn’t want me to do this or do that.’”

Around the time that their first son turned 10 months old, her husband came home from a party, drunk. That night his anger escalated into a physical attack, the first of many to come.

“He jumped right on me and started pounding me. He beat me so bad the first time, I had blood everywhere,” Cheyenne said.

After that point, the violence was constant, as were Cheyenne’s attempts to leave the marriage.

“He would come back and say how sorry he was, again, and he would always tell me I would never have anyone else; I would never, you know, amount to anything; I would never make it on my own,” she recalled. “And at that time, I had no one, no family around me, no friends.”

Cheyenne and her children first came to New Day in 1997, after she realized she couldn’t escape her ex-husband by staying at a shelter closer to home.

It took many years of returning to her ex-husband before she found the strength to relocate to Ashland and distance herself from him for good, she said. During that time, New Day was always there to help her family, she said.

“They have always, always told me that ‘it’s not our decision what you do, just so you know that there is a safe place for you to always come back to,’” she said.

For the last two years, she has lived in an apartment that the shelter helped furnish. She stays with her three children, whom the shelter has helped feed, clothe and enroll in school. She still attends weekly group therapy sessions at the shelter, and she often consults with the staff about parenting issues.

And now, when she has to talk with her children’s father, she remains self-assured.

“They’ve given me the courage to be that way and to stand on my own two feet,” she said. “They’ve made me become a woman I didn’t even think I would become, someone that’s strong, that stands on her own two feet and knows that I don’t have to put up with any abuse from anybody.”

Ms. E, who once had to cross state lines to escape from a stalker, believes shelters like New Day need to be in every community.

“I think in every town, no matter how big or how small, women need a place like this to go to be safe,” she said.

With the shelter’s help, Ms. E has learned grounding techniques and self-care skills, such as maintaining a healthy diet in the face of stress, which allow her to live on her own and remain employed.

“It helps all of us to know we’re not alone, and we can relate to each other a lot,” she said. “Each story is different, but it comes down to, you know, being violated in one way or another.”

Montano, who has worked closely with Ms. E over the last three years, said she has seen her self-confidence grow exponentially.

“Seeing a client have their voice, being able to make decisions and to believe in themselves, I call it a gift. It’s like a flower blooming,” she said. “Ms. E has changed to believe in herself.”

Written by Christa Grande, Children’s Program Coordinator, New Day Shelter

Child abuse is one of those topics that can make you cringe. It’s difficult to grasp the concept of innocent children being at the mercy of hands, which are intended to protect them, are far too often the same hands that deliver their pain and misery. It is merely an attributed custom that as a caregiver for children one is to teach unconditional love, acceptance, perseverance, morals and values yet far too often these crucial ingredients to a child’s well-being are neglected. The hands of abuse can crush all the purities of a child’s soul with one swing of the fist, one hurtful and undeserved line of criticism, one unwanted touch or one back turned away from needed attention. It has been said that child abuse stories are a sad commentary of the lack of parenting skills. 84% of child victimization is done by a parent acting alone or with another person. In fact, 40% of child victims were maltreated by their own mothers acting alone compared to 18% that were maltreated by their fathers, leaving 17% non-parental perpetrators that were defined as a caregiver (foster care, child care, unmarried partner of parent, etc.)

During the month of April it is an unspoken duty that all community members do their part in helping end child abuse and neglect. My only hope is that it doesn’t stop come May, as child abuse is a vast and unbiased issue that affects children throughout the world each and every day. In fact, three children die in the US each day from neglect. In 2003, Wisconsin alone had 12 substantiated cases of a child having died because of child abuse or neglect. In my eyes….that is 12 too many.

As alarming and devastating as these statistics are the real truth is behind each child’s story. The real trauma is the devastating life long effects and emotional suffering that scar each child after being abused.

I want you each for a moment to put yourself in these shoes…and perhaps you have already been here. Imagine a child being burned with scalding hot water; their screams only angering the abuser to hurt them more. Imagine a child getting a fist to the head and kicked repeatedly in the stomach for playing and laughing too loudly. Imagine a child thrown into a wall and choked by the hands of who they believed to be trusting, or being called stupid and worthless because they couldn’t get their shoes tied the right way. Imagine a child being locked in a closet for days with no food or water, only consoled by the hopeless tears shed for a life full of love and absent of pain. Imagine a child being touched by a trusting person in places they were taught to be private. Imagine a child being taunted and endlessly ridiculed for nothing beyond being themselves, leaving a bruise larger than any eye can see. Imagine being mercilessly beaten, with knees buckling in pain, and a broken spirit begging to meet their maker just so they don’t have to face another day. Now imagine that these children are lucky enough to survive…and if they do, they will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. Survive that is. The effects of child abuse do not stop when the abuse does. They are lasting, painful and difficult scars that leave an impression far longer than any bruise. This scar never diminishes, never fully heals and leaves everlasting effects on the person.

We encounter abuse all the time…perhaps not as obvious as an all out brawl. Is it that child being scolded outside of the grocery store for wanting to put their own hat on? Is it the child getting slapped in the back of the vehicle for crying? Is it the angry and cruel words yelled to a child at the park? It is too easy to turn our backs, turn our eyes; pretend we didn’t hear or see “that” going on. When we find ourselves turning away, we must also ask ourselves, “Am I doing that child an injustice by keeping quiet?” Our silence can speak louder than words to a child’s ear…and a voice can tremble the ground of change.

A voice. That is exactly what it takes to help today’s children and the children of the future. Educate yourself and educate others on the subject at hand. Empower parents and caregivers. Knowledge IS power and it is as contagious as a child’s smile.

Have a voice for all the children who don’t have one…..and be heard. We don’t have to change the world in one day but each time a child’s heart is touched and delivered from a future of suffering…….a change in the world is already taking place.

For more information on how you can help contact New Day Shelter @ 715-682-9565 or visit www.preventchildabusewi.org.